Introspection of the self

All I wish to put to words are the gibberish thoughts that plunder my mind day and night. The unutterable questions and answers that sort of sweep away my idle time formulates the basis for this blog. In other words, this is an introspection into the confused soul of a lunatic, myself.

Unlike a journal entry I write without any chronological reference or accuracy.

Let this be a new beginning and hence I will try to start from the very beginning. The very basic ideals which we learn as a child.

The glory days of childhood pass by you before you even realize it and leave you yearning for it in your adolescence. I am a person who very strongly believe that a person's character is defined based on his upbringing. A man becomes the man he is out of his experiences.As a child, you wander about free of responsibilities and everything that accompanies it. You close your eyes or turn your face to your difficulties and the new day arises gleaming with hope and optimism. The entire world is your playground and your little mischief's are bubbles of joy for the people around you. A spark remains within you to reach great heights, ambitions soar, and smiles erupt on your face without any effort and you look as innocent as can be.

Today, a state of contentment is something I yearn for. The mischief in me has disappeared and I have become oblivious to the little joys. I have become a mechanical being, sucked into the monotonous rhythm of life. I put myself under the microscope to find that element of smouldering fire which , I believe, has been put off or gone to hibernate.

The only regret that I have ever had in my life is that I didn't pay heed to the advice from my English teachers to pursue reading. I could not see through their words about the world books could offer me, until now. I fell a victim to the procrastination and made myself believe that I will always have time to read books at a later period of time. I was laboring under a delusion that time is a luxury which I will always have on my side. Then,reality struck me hard and I realized that time is not a luxury which I had in my possession but rather something I craved for and procrastinating things for the future was tantamount to not doing it at all.

In my earlier days(not that I am 50 or so now), I dreamt about love, about relationships, only when I was alone and when my mind was idle. But today, loneliness has become a part of me and these dreams, have become beacons of hope, like a face, I search for, in a crowd. In my every action, every moment I search for the deeper meanings of life. My mind struggles in battle to comprehend the meanings of the contradicting thoughts that consume my time. I feel like a child lost in a jungle and I still feel like I am going in circles and getting deeper and deeper into the core of the jungle instead of getting out. An unquenchable thirst to discover my purpose in life, glares at me on my face.

I had read somewhere that men crave for love because its the only true cure for loneliness and shame. I do not have a shameful past.So I attribute my craving to fall in love to my loneliness. Why am I lonely, I ask myself. Maybe I mistake boredom for loneliness. I do not know. I have a lot of good friends, a good job, the best parents in the world any one could ask for, and respect from a lot of my schoolmates and college mates. I was blessed with such an opulence and yet my selfish heart, craves for more. More of what, I do not know.

My friends sometimes advise me that what I seek is the touch of a feminine soul in my life. I don't know if that is the solution I am looking for but I feel myself to be incomplete and a void is taking shape within myself and the only cure, I believe, lies somewhere inside myself. I guess I will have to be persistent in my quest, to search for that inner meaning. I will keep striving to attain that wisdom and I just pray that the loneliness and the boredom does not break me and leave me devastated on my path. I hope that hope will live on and take me through the voyage and I will be able to comprehend the ominous signs and presages thrown my way.