If Only!!!(An ode to a memory)

Someone very close to me once told me that I am the least romantic person on the planet. Being the adamant, stubborn and egoistic fool that I am , I obviously retorted. So, to prove her wrong I made an attempt and had a shot at something romantic and expressive.

And finally when things started sinking in, I realized that I cant even spell the word "ROMANCE" without looking it up on google... SHE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG:(

IF ONLY
If only...

If only my words could reach you , only if it could transcend the distance and reach your ears would you understand what you mean to me!!!

If only I had known that I was wrong!!! I never uttered a word but the pre-aural vibrations of the very words I wished to say, reverberated in the labyrinths of your inner ear and I was hoping that you had heard them. If only I had known that I was wrong!!!

My heart aches for your presence. My eyes languish in pain to see you and my ears yearn for your gratifying voice again. The melody of your giggle resounds within me and I continue to remain lost in a world where only you and I exist.

If only you knew that you are the center of my universe, the music of my soul, the song of my life and the rhythm of my heart, to which it beats and I survive.

I do not know about tomorrow and I guarantee nothing but all I know is that I do not want today to end , for today I am in your arms and you in mine and the world is glittering in its beauty and I thank the Gods for bringing you to me.

If time stops now, I would be the happiest soul on the planet as I am with you now and everything I ever longed and dreamt for, in my life, is there before my eyes, in you.

Love seemed a distant reality until you came along and gave a meaning to my barren and desolate existence and I realized for once the true purpose of my life.

If only I could have expressed what I felt for you, then, would I have escaped myself from the fate of this doom and the seasons of spring, laden with the most colorful and fragrant of flowers, would have continued to exist in my life.

I never dared to tell you how I used to hear your name in the fluttering of the butterflies, in the drops of rainfall that caress the earth, in the voice of the nightingales and in the blossoming of the daffodils, and how I saw your face in every crowd.

I never dared to tell you how you made me feel, how every dawn, which broke with the hope of being with you, made my heart rejoice and how every night, after I kissed you goodbye, I fought, with despair, to accelerate the time.

If only...

Of all the God's creations, I admire him the most for that sparkling smile He put on you ,the very one which always play on the corner of your ruddy lips , the very one which makes my humble heart leap for joy and make me realize how fortunate I am to have you by my side.If only I could taste the honey dripping from those lips and relish those melting sips of joy again would I be able to eradicate the loneliness that lingers around my battered soul.

If only you knew how you ignited my vision!!! Your blue eyes,resplendent like the most exotic of sapphires, like the calmest of oceans, radiated so much tenderness that I would drown in them every time I even glanced at them. Your beautiful black hair, cascaded down your shoulders like the water emanating from the most elegant of falls and I still crave for a whiff of the redolence it yields.

Every breath I take and every drop of water I drink and every bit of food I consume fail to reduce even an iota of the suffocation, thirst and hunger that seems to grow,in me, when you are away from me. I stand bewildered at the thought of not being able to see you again and my humble heart aches and now I truly understand what it means to miss you. I always used to think that you take my breath away , but now I know that I was wrong but in reality you are what makes me breathe and the desire to meet you again is what I long for and what keeps me going in this routine and monotonous life which is eating through me like rust, in your absence.

Introspection of the self

All I wish to put to words are the gibberish thoughts that plunder my mind day and night. The unutterable questions and answers that sort of sweep away my idle time formulates the basis for this blog. In other words, this is an introspection into the confused soul of a lunatic, myself.

Unlike a journal entry I write without any chronological reference or accuracy.

Let this be a new beginning and hence I will try to start from the very beginning. The very basic ideals which we learn as a child.

The glory days of childhood pass by you before you even realize it and leave you yearning for it in your adolescence. I am a person who very strongly believe that a person's character is defined based on his upbringing. A man becomes the man he is out of his experiences.As a child, you wander about free of responsibilities and everything that accompanies it. You close your eyes or turn your face to your difficulties and the new day arises gleaming with hope and optimism. The entire world is your playground and your little mischief's are bubbles of joy for the people around you. A spark remains within you to reach great heights, ambitions soar, and smiles erupt on your face without any effort and you look as innocent as can be.

Today, a state of contentment is something I yearn for. The mischief in me has disappeared and I have become oblivious to the little joys. I have become a mechanical being, sucked into the monotonous rhythm of life. I put myself under the microscope to find that element of smouldering fire which , I believe, has been put off or gone to hibernate.

The only regret that I have ever had in my life is that I didn't pay heed to the advice from my English teachers to pursue reading. I could not see through their words about the world books could offer me, until now. I fell a victim to the procrastination and made myself believe that I will always have time to read books at a later period of time. I was laboring under a delusion that time is a luxury which I will always have on my side. Then,reality struck me hard and I realized that time is not a luxury which I had in my possession but rather something I craved for and procrastinating things for the future was tantamount to not doing it at all.

In my earlier days(not that I am 50 or so now), I dreamt about love, about relationships, only when I was alone and when my mind was idle. But today, loneliness has become a part of me and these dreams, have become beacons of hope, like a face, I search for, in a crowd. In my every action, every moment I search for the deeper meanings of life. My mind struggles in battle to comprehend the meanings of the contradicting thoughts that consume my time. I feel like a child lost in a jungle and I still feel like I am going in circles and getting deeper and deeper into the core of the jungle instead of getting out. An unquenchable thirst to discover my purpose in life, glares at me on my face.

I had read somewhere that men crave for love because its the only true cure for loneliness and shame. I do not have a shameful past.So I attribute my craving to fall in love to my loneliness. Why am I lonely, I ask myself. Maybe I mistake boredom for loneliness. I do not know. I have a lot of good friends, a good job, the best parents in the world any one could ask for, and respect from a lot of my schoolmates and college mates. I was blessed with such an opulence and yet my selfish heart, craves for more. More of what, I do not know.

My friends sometimes advise me that what I seek is the touch of a feminine soul in my life. I don't know if that is the solution I am looking for but I feel myself to be incomplete and a void is taking shape within myself and the only cure, I believe, lies somewhere inside myself. I guess I will have to be persistent in my quest, to search for that inner meaning. I will keep striving to attain that wisdom and I just pray that the loneliness and the boredom does not break me and leave me devastated on my path. I hope that hope will live on and take me through the voyage and I will be able to comprehend the ominous signs and presages thrown my way.

Tears!!!

As I listen to the song, my heart becomes heavy and I feel myself to be at the verge of crying, but unfortunately the tears don't manifest and the heaviness remains in my heart. I regret myself for not being able to express my emotions through my tears.

How I wish I could vent my emotions into tears and let go of them, how I wish I could open the shutters of that dam which exists within me, how I wish I could cry and let it all out and cleanse my soul.

I just wish that I don't come across a situation in my life , when people desert me for being impervious to emotions, for being heartless as I cannot cry and produce tears. If only,I could open myself and show my heart which is drowning in my tears, would they begin to fathom the depths of my emotions. If only,they knew that my heart functions as my lachrymal glands and those droplets are effloresced and crystallized within myself.