This is a word which most of the people interpret to be a negative term. A word which has a lot of negative vibes surrounding it. Well this blog entry is not one intended to whet the interests of lexicographers worldwide but a mere attempt to throw light on the nuances, the shades of grey, that hide behind the blatant black and white.
Let me begin by asking you a very simple question, aren't we all selfish? I know its a million dollar question and the answer to which we can easily find by just contemplating the thought for a minute or two.The term "Selfishness" throughout history has been depicted in its darkest of forms and is amongst one of the evils that came out of Pandorra's box of troubles. At least that is what we have been conditioned to believe. So did I, until I started thinking a bit more about the same.
A careful introspection will actually tell you that all of us are inherently selfish. We do things just because we want to do it. If we didn't want to do it , even if there was a shred of doubt in us, we would have shirked our responsibilities and gone our way. For eg. lets take the case of doing charity, which most of us associate to being an example of being selfless.I believe that we do charity(or any other selfless deed) because we feel content inside for having gone out of our way to help someone else.But this is also a selfish act as the motive behind helping others was to feel good for ourselves. Whatever the world perceives as an act of kindness , is actually a selfish act to appease our own conscience. So why is it always associated in the negative context?
More often than not, the reason behind being termed greedy is again a matter of perception. When one person is deprived something and another gets it. it sort of springs jealousy in the first person. It may or may not be shared and the second person usually could end up being labeled as selfish. I guess like any coin which has 2 sides, like good and evil, it is the verdict given by the society or even individuals judging your action that gives your action a negative connotation, even if your intentions and reasons are pure and positive. Its like someone giving you a nickname to make fun of you whether you like it or not. Even if someone calls you selfish, just evaluate yourself whether it has any truth in it or is a baseless allegation thrown at you and take necessary steps to remedy yourself if required.
In a nutshell, being selfish isn't bad but take care about the level to which you take your selfishness. As long as you don't end up hurting people in the process and your conscience is clean , you ought to be alright.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
To my mentor!!!!
Sometimes, the truth is difficult to bear, to live with. Your mind hesitates to come in terms with the reality and you prefer to remain in a world, where the bitter truths are yet to be unveiled. I know this mail comes a bit too late, but I have to write this to relive the moments I spent with you; to remember and recall everything you ever taught me.
Sandeep Menon was the Placement Cell Students Chairman of his batch. Sandeep Menon, the placement cell member, was a completely different person. Even though the pressure of the entire batch was on his shoulders (and his team), he amazed everyone with his ability to tackle problems and make quick and solid decisions. Even before the placement cell of our batch was formed I used to work with him as a volunteer and he inspired juniors like me to be a part of it. Many times in life, you would want to follow the path undertaken by the people who inspired you. In fact, he was the sole reason; I became a placement cell member. I became a placement cell member because I wanted to be like him. He was my mentor and everything I learned about the placement cell, I learnt it from him. Under his guidance, I became the student's placement cell chairman of my batch. He was there at every step, guiding me, monitoring my actions, imparting all the knowledge he had assimilated from the placement cell to me and I was trying to emulate his success, imbibe the knowledge imparted by him and carry out the task assigned to me.
During my 2-year long career as a placement cell member, I have fought with Sandeep a lot. I can undoubtedly say that I would top the list of people getting the maximum scolding from him in college (definitely number one in my batch and a very likely contender for that spot in the entire college as well). Our ideas, point of views, methods of implementation of views, etc. have clashed many times. Both of us never really agreed on anything in first go, unless it was reasoned with properly. And the more we clashed, the much better friends we became. The more we understood each other and the more we complimented each other and my respect and adoration for him only grew, as he epitomized the role of a mentor in every way. On behalf of my batch mates, I wish to use this opportunity to thank him for his incessant support and commitment to the placement cell.
I remember the day in college, he was preparing for his series exam in the afternoon, and a company was coming sometime soon. We were discussing on the same but he kept complaining about a bad headache and after he finished the series, headed back home. The next thing, I got to know was that he was undergoing an operation the next day as he was diagnosed with brain tumor. It was a huge shock. I remember going to meet him after he got back home, and the same impish smile effused from his face, as if nothing had happened. I have seen him face all the hurdles that life threw at him with that same smile. Even if it was something small like a quiz (correction: quizzing was no small matter for him), the challenge of bringing a new company, or battling tumor on the front lines, that smile never vanished and he always gave it his very best at everything he did. I have never ever seen him settle for mediocrity.
I could cite umpteen examples about how he had inspired us to never give up when it comes to getting everyone in our batch placed. Even when he was taking rest, because of the tumor, he used to mail us, to the placement cell group, with valuable insights about new companies, urging us to go for the big shot companies and to never stop trying. I know he has had good as well as bad experiences after being in the placement cell. Not once, had he let his bad experiences cast a shadow on himself but always looked at it as an opportunity to learn something from, more importantly, he always saw to it that the mistakes which were once committed, were never repeated by us.
Those who know Sandeep well will tell you that he gets angry very soon and regrets about that immediately after he cools off. Once, I too was in a bad mood, and I retorted to something which he said in his anger and we both were in a state of compunction and remorse after the incident. We both felt terribly bad after the incident and an hour later, when we spoke on the phone, we were back to our old selves in no time. None of us apologized but things were as if nothing had happened at all. He was back to cracking his jokes and I was back to my old self.
Sandeep was one person who actually advised me on my various decisions and hes one person whose advice has really influenced my life. We used to discuss about a lot about the placement cell and companies, but we also used to discuss about crushes and girls and would end up laughing. I do not remember a single incident, when his presence had not left a smile on my face and on the face of people around us, for that is the kind of spirit which he possessed. He had an uncanny knack to brighten up any situation.
One of my biggest ordeals, during my years in the placement cell, was when Apache Design Solutions had come to college for the recruitment process. We had this policy of collecting the feedback from the XMECian and the officials from the visiting company after the recruitment process. Apache was the company Sandeep was working for, and when he came down to recruit students from our batch, I was adamant to get a good feedback from him. Sandeep was the most difficult person to please on the planet because he would settle for only the absolute best. So it was a huge challenge for us placement members. After the process, he had called me at night and told me that he was thoroughly satisfied with the proceedings in college. I still consider that remark, made by him, to be the best compliment I got as a placement cell member.
To cite a few humorous incidents I have had with Sandeep, one which strikes me now is the football team selection in our first year. As you all might know, Duleep, Sandeep's kid bro is a fabulous football player. Maybe he gained some sort of inspiration from him and that is the reason why he came for the tryouts. Unfortunately, the inspiration didn’t work in his favor that day. Myself, a hapless player, I couldn't help but laugh at his efforts to win the ball a couple of times. This was again during the ragging period, and it’s a sin to mock your seniors, and I had committed the ultimate sin. Sandeep called me nearby and asked me to do a few football tricks and asked me to head a very high ball. I failed miserably at all the tasks and both of us ended up laughing at our ineptitude on the football field. He stuck with me for a good portion of the day, and continued his ragging sessions, about which we used to talk even at a later point of time. During those days, I was dying to earn my freedom, eagerly awaiting the Fresher's day, the day on which our seniors would declare us to be their equals. After the ragging sessions ended, the fond memories of all those embarrassing incidents and comical tasks which I ended up doing remain to form the core of my globe of memories and Sandeep still lives on in many of them.
Again, whenever, I think about Raagam 04, Sandeep is the one who hogs all the limelight in all my memories. We were singing all the way to Calicut in the train and in the NITC campus, we were having one hell of a time. I got to understand that Sandeep was a party animal and the reserve of energy he had, in store, to keep the crowd entertained had no boundaries. Anyone and everyone would want to be with Sandeep Menon, for that is the kind of person that he was, and he was a celebrity to all of us. Some people have the ability to leave a lasting impression on you, even if you have met them just a couple of times or rather for only a few minutes. Sandeep was one such person and anyone who even barely knew him would agree with me on that.
Anyone who’s been in the remote vicinity of this quizzing genius, would have innumerable tales, most of them funny and others, usually about the glimpses about the brilliance connected with an answer, to tell about incidents which occurred during the quizzes or trips to these quizzes. Unlike, Sandeep, I couldn’t find time to continue with my quizzing, and I always ended up envying my batch mates when they said they had a hell of a time at a quiz. Sandeep always encouraged me continue with my quizzing. I just lost touch in between but I always missed the enjoyment which came through quizzing and I envied him for his ability to manage time so well. He would take up the pivotal role of entertaining the teams to the quizzing venues and even when he’s on stage attending the finals, he never failed to bring about an element of humor with his wild guesses.
Sandeep had this ardent desire to see MEC top the list of engineering colleges within Kerala. We always competed with colleges like NITC and CET and being a relatively new college and smaller one, as we had only 3 streams, we did have a few drawbacks but he never gave up believing in that dream and urged us to join him in the task to push MEC forward. The many initiatives which he undertook to promote MEC in this direction are aplenty. He wanted to start an entrepreneurship cell in the college to promote young entrepreneurs. The quiz club was another one. He always saw to it that we ended up publicizing the name of our college in every way possible. I remember an article regarding the ranking of colleges which came in Outlook in our final year. It was a huge blow to us as we didn’t feature anywhere in the top 100. The entire list seemed to be a mockery and couple of other colleges which definitely didn’t stand a chance made it to the list. This article only made him and, through him, us strengthen our efforts. Even though the fruition of our efforts were seen late, we did make it to the list of top 100 colleges in the country and we along with NITC and CET, were the only college within the state to do so. MEC was 34th in the list. When I saw the list, I couldn’t help myself, but feel incapacitated at the thought of not being able to share the joy of that achievement with him. Somehow, deep inside, I knew that he would be rejoicing, wherever he was, at the news of that achievement.
Sandeep Menon taught me a lot of things. He taught me to look at things from every possible angle, to never do anything without actually thinking over it, to never give up even when things look really bleak, to face even the most difficult of situations with a smile, to help others whenever possible and above all to enjoy life to the fullest . These days, I make use of those lessons in my everyday life. I am more than grateful to him for trusting in me, for teaching me the many valuable lessons of life.
During his last months, when we used to talk, I used to tell him that I will come to see him when I come down to Cochin. I used to get caught up with work and never ended up going to Cochin during those days. And finally when I did go to Cochin once, something or the other came up and I couldn't meet up with him. During his last days, I didn't get a chance to meet him. I guess I had taken it for granted that nothing is going to happen to him and the fighter that he is, he’s going to come out of this stronger than ever. I was wrong and I still feel terrible about the fact that I couldn't meet him one last time, even for his funeral (as I was out of India at that time).
Let’s start from the very beginning. If you ask me the question, how do I know Sandeep, I will have to say that he was my senior in college. But that wouldn't be a proper justification to the question. I came to know him only after joining Model Engineering College, that’s true, but he was more than a mere senior to me. My first encounter with Sandeep, was on my second day in college. I had my apprehensions about ragging and hence I was scared of my seniors. Sandeep was amongst the first people who ragged me in college. I clearly remember the day because the next day was ordained to be our Onam celebrations and he was really good at faking anger and actually made me do a couple of funny and awkward dance steps. I was embarrassed to the core, and next time I saw to it that I kept myself away from his path. Sometimes, the more you try to evade something, the more you end up confronting it. My case with Sandeep was similar and the first impression I had about him was not something worth mentioning. This very incident proves that first impressions are not the tools to judge a person.
After my brief ragging session, came our Fresher’s Day, and suddenly, the masks disappeared and the seniors became our best of friends. Then came the best inter college event I had attended in my life, Raagam 2004. Lots of students, including Menon and myself boarded the train to NITC Calicut to take part in this fabulous event and whenever I think about Raagam, the thought that conjures up in my mind is how we all used to dance to the Tamil hit song "ManmadaRasa". The very dance was initiated by Sandeep and when we were all bored or even idle for a minute, he would hum the song and we would put on our dancing shoes and display our pathetic dance moves AGAIN!!! Those days definitely are amongst the best in my life. Apart from his dancing moves (well our pathetic dancing moves), I noticed another talent in this guy. The ability to crack pjs(pathetic/poor jokes). No one could beat Sandeep at that. I was like, from where did this guy get to know so many of them. It’s as if he had a new one always in stock to entertain the crowd and make us all erupt into convulsions of laughter.
Sandeep Menon was the Placement Cell Students Chairman of his batch. Sandeep Menon, the placement cell member, was a completely different person. Even though the pressure of the entire batch was on his shoulders (and his team), he amazed everyone with his ability to tackle problems and make quick and solid decisions. Even before the placement cell of our batch was formed I used to work with him as a volunteer and he inspired juniors like me to be a part of it. Many times in life, you would want to follow the path undertaken by the people who inspired you. In fact, he was the sole reason; I became a placement cell member. I became a placement cell member because I wanted to be like him. He was my mentor and everything I learned about the placement cell, I learnt it from him. Under his guidance, I became the student's placement cell chairman of my batch. He was there at every step, guiding me, monitoring my actions, imparting all the knowledge he had assimilated from the placement cell to me and I was trying to emulate his success, imbibe the knowledge imparted by him and carry out the task assigned to me.
During my 2-year long career as a placement cell member, I have fought with Sandeep a lot. I can undoubtedly say that I would top the list of people getting the maximum scolding from him in college (definitely number one in my batch and a very likely contender for that spot in the entire college as well). Our ideas, point of views, methods of implementation of views, etc. have clashed many times. Both of us never really agreed on anything in first go, unless it was reasoned with properly. And the more we clashed, the much better friends we became. The more we understood each other and the more we complimented each other and my respect and adoration for him only grew, as he epitomized the role of a mentor in every way. On behalf of my batch mates, I wish to use this opportunity to thank him for his incessant support and commitment to the placement cell.
I remember the day in college, he was preparing for his series exam in the afternoon, and a company was coming sometime soon. We were discussing on the same but he kept complaining about a bad headache and after he finished the series, headed back home. The next thing, I got to know was that he was undergoing an operation the next day as he was diagnosed with brain tumor. It was a huge shock. I remember going to meet him after he got back home, and the same impish smile effused from his face, as if nothing had happened. I have seen him face all the hurdles that life threw at him with that same smile. Even if it was something small like a quiz (correction: quizzing was no small matter for him), the challenge of bringing a new company, or battling tumor on the front lines, that smile never vanished and he always gave it his very best at everything he did. I have never ever seen him settle for mediocrity.
I could cite umpteen examples about how he had inspired us to never give up when it comes to getting everyone in our batch placed. Even when he was taking rest, because of the tumor, he used to mail us, to the placement cell group, with valuable insights about new companies, urging us to go for the big shot companies and to never stop trying. I know he has had good as well as bad experiences after being in the placement cell. Not once, had he let his bad experiences cast a shadow on himself but always looked at it as an opportunity to learn something from, more importantly, he always saw to it that the mistakes which were once committed, were never repeated by us.
Those who know Sandeep well will tell you that he gets angry very soon and regrets about that immediately after he cools off. Once, I too was in a bad mood, and I retorted to something which he said in his anger and we both were in a state of compunction and remorse after the incident. We both felt terribly bad after the incident and an hour later, when we spoke on the phone, we were back to our old selves in no time. None of us apologized but things were as if nothing had happened at all. He was back to cracking his jokes and I was back to my old self.
Sandeep was one person who actually advised me on my various decisions and hes one person whose advice has really influenced my life. We used to discuss about a lot about the placement cell and companies, but we also used to discuss about crushes and girls and would end up laughing. I do not remember a single incident, when his presence had not left a smile on my face and on the face of people around us, for that is the kind of spirit which he possessed. He had an uncanny knack to brighten up any situation.
One of my biggest ordeals, during my years in the placement cell, was when Apache Design Solutions had come to college for the recruitment process. We had this policy of collecting the feedback from the XMECian and the officials from the visiting company after the recruitment process. Apache was the company Sandeep was working for, and when he came down to recruit students from our batch, I was adamant to get a good feedback from him. Sandeep was the most difficult person to please on the planet because he would settle for only the absolute best. So it was a huge challenge for us placement members. After the process, he had called me at night and told me that he was thoroughly satisfied with the proceedings in college. I still consider that remark, made by him, to be the best compliment I got as a placement cell member.
To cite a few humorous incidents I have had with Sandeep, one which strikes me now is the football team selection in our first year. As you all might know, Duleep, Sandeep's kid bro is a fabulous football player. Maybe he gained some sort of inspiration from him and that is the reason why he came for the tryouts. Unfortunately, the inspiration didn’t work in his favor that day. Myself, a hapless player, I couldn't help but laugh at his efforts to win the ball a couple of times. This was again during the ragging period, and it’s a sin to mock your seniors, and I had committed the ultimate sin. Sandeep called me nearby and asked me to do a few football tricks and asked me to head a very high ball. I failed miserably at all the tasks and both of us ended up laughing at our ineptitude on the football field. He stuck with me for a good portion of the day, and continued his ragging sessions, about which we used to talk even at a later point of time. During those days, I was dying to earn my freedom, eagerly awaiting the Fresher's day, the day on which our seniors would declare us to be their equals. After the ragging sessions ended, the fond memories of all those embarrassing incidents and comical tasks which I ended up doing remain to form the core of my globe of memories and Sandeep still lives on in many of them.
Again, whenever, I think about Raagam 04, Sandeep is the one who hogs all the limelight in all my memories. We were singing all the way to Calicut in the train and in the NITC campus, we were having one hell of a time. I got to understand that Sandeep was a party animal and the reserve of energy he had, in store, to keep the crowd entertained had no boundaries. Anyone and everyone would want to be with Sandeep Menon, for that is the kind of person that he was, and he was a celebrity to all of us. Some people have the ability to leave a lasting impression on you, even if you have met them just a couple of times or rather for only a few minutes. Sandeep was one such person and anyone who even barely knew him would agree with me on that.
Anyone who’s been in the remote vicinity of this quizzing genius, would have innumerable tales, most of them funny and others, usually about the glimpses about the brilliance connected with an answer, to tell about incidents which occurred during the quizzes or trips to these quizzes. Unlike, Sandeep, I couldn’t find time to continue with my quizzing, and I always ended up envying my batch mates when they said they had a hell of a time at a quiz. Sandeep always encouraged me continue with my quizzing. I just lost touch in between but I always missed the enjoyment which came through quizzing and I envied him for his ability to manage time so well. He would take up the pivotal role of entertaining the teams to the quizzing venues and even when he’s on stage attending the finals, he never failed to bring about an element of humor with his wild guesses.
Sandeep had this ardent desire to see MEC top the list of engineering colleges within Kerala. We always competed with colleges like NITC and CET and being a relatively new college and smaller one, as we had only 3 streams, we did have a few drawbacks but he never gave up believing in that dream and urged us to join him in the task to push MEC forward. The many initiatives which he undertook to promote MEC in this direction are aplenty. He wanted to start an entrepreneurship cell in the college to promote young entrepreneurs. The quiz club was another one. He always saw to it that we ended up publicizing the name of our college in every way possible. I remember an article regarding the ranking of colleges which came in Outlook in our final year. It was a huge blow to us as we didn’t feature anywhere in the top 100. The entire list seemed to be a mockery and couple of other colleges which definitely didn’t stand a chance made it to the list. This article only made him and, through him, us strengthen our efforts. Even though the fruition of our efforts were seen late, we did make it to the list of top 100 colleges in the country and we along with NITC and CET, were the only college within the state to do so. MEC was 34th in the list. When I saw the list, I couldn’t help myself, but feel incapacitated at the thought of not being able to share the joy of that achievement with him. Somehow, deep inside, I knew that he would be rejoicing, wherever he was, at the news of that achievement.
Sandeep Menon taught me a lot of things. He taught me to look at things from every possible angle, to never do anything without actually thinking over it, to never give up even when things look really bleak, to face even the most difficult of situations with a smile, to help others whenever possible and above all to enjoy life to the fullest . These days, I make use of those lessons in my everyday life. I am more than grateful to him for trusting in me, for teaching me the many valuable lessons of life.
During his last months, when we used to talk, I used to tell him that I will come to see him when I come down to Cochin. I used to get caught up with work and never ended up going to Cochin during those days. And finally when I did go to Cochin once, something or the other came up and I couldn't meet up with him. During his last days, I didn't get a chance to meet him. I guess I had taken it for granted that nothing is going to happen to him and the fighter that he is, he’s going to come out of this stronger than ever. I was wrong and I still feel terrible about the fact that I couldn't meet him one last time, even for his funeral (as I was out of India at that time).
I will always miss you Sandeep. I will miss your scolding, your pjs, your impish smile, those fights and clashes, your advice, your friendship but most of all I will miss your presence. The best teacher is the one who inspires, and you were really good at instilling and infusing inspiration in people like me. I never got to tell you that I consider you to be a gem of a person, the very best I have come across, and that I always wanted to be like you and I still strive to improve myself so that I can attain the standards which you have set. Thank you for everything you have taught me, thank you for all those wonderful and ever-lasting memories, and moreover, thank you for being there for me, always.
Friday, August 22, 2008
If Only!!!(An ode to a memory)
Someone very close to me once told me that I am the least romantic person on the planet. Being the adamant, stubborn and egoistic fool that I am , I obviously retorted. So, to prove her wrong I made an attempt and had a shot at something romantic and expressive.
And finally when things started sinking in, I realized that I cant even spell the word "ROMANCE" without looking it up on google... SHE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG:(
IF ONLY
If only...
If only my words could reach you , only if it could transcend the distance and reach your ears would you understand what you mean to me!!!
If only I had known that I was wrong!!! I never uttered a word but the pre-aural vibrations of the very words I wished to say, reverberated in the labyrinths of your inner ear and I was hoping that you had heard them. If only I had known that I was wrong!!!
My heart aches for your presence. My eyes languish in pain to see you and my ears yearn for your gratifying voice again. The melody of your giggle resounds within me and I continue to remain lost in a world where only you and I exist.
If only you knew that you are the center of my universe, the music of my soul, the song of my life and the rhythm of my heart, to which it beats and I survive.
I do not know about tomorrow and I guarantee nothing but all I know is that I do not want today to end , for today I am in your arms and you in mine and the world is glittering in its beauty and I thank the Gods for bringing you to me.
If time stops now, I would be the happiest soul on the planet as I am with you now and everything I ever longed and dreamt for, in my life, is there before my eyes, in you.
Love seemed a distant reality until you came along and gave a meaning to my barren and desolate existence and I realized for once the true purpose of my life.
If only I could have expressed what I felt for you, then, would I have escaped myself from the fate of this doom and the seasons of spring, laden with the most colorful and fragrant of flowers, would have continued to exist in my life.
I never dared to tell you how I used to hear your name in the fluttering of the butterflies, in the drops of rainfall that caress the earth, in the voice of the nightingales and in the blossoming of the daffodils, and how I saw your face in every crowd.
I never dared to tell you how you made me feel, how every dawn, which broke with the hope of being with you, made my heart rejoice and how every night, after I kissed you goodbye, I fought, with despair, to accelerate the time.
If only...
Of all the God's creations, I admire him the most for that sparkling smile He put on you ,the very one which always play on the corner of your ruddy lips , the very one which makes my humble heart leap for joy and make me realize how fortunate I am to have you by my side.If only I could taste the honey dripping from those lips and relish those melting sips of joy again would I be able to eradicate the loneliness that lingers around my battered soul.
If only you knew how you ignited my vision!!! Your blue eyes,resplendent like the most exotic of sapphires, like the calmest of oceans, radiated so much tenderness that I would drown in them every time I even glanced at them. Your beautiful black hair, cascaded down your shoulders like the water emanating from the most elegant of falls and I still crave for a whiff of the redolence it yields.
Every breath I take and every drop of water I drink and every bit of food I consume fail to reduce even an iota of the suffocation, thirst and hunger that seems to grow,in me, when you are away from me. I stand bewildered at the thought of not being able to see you again and my humble heart aches and now I truly understand what it means to miss you. I always used to think that you take my breath away , but now I know that I was wrong but in reality you are what makes me breathe and the desire to meet you again is what I long for and what keeps me going in this routine and monotonous life which is eating through me like rust, in your absence.
And finally when things started sinking in, I realized that I cant even spell the word "ROMANCE" without looking it up on google... SHE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG:(
IF ONLY
If only...
If only my words could reach you , only if it could transcend the distance and reach your ears would you understand what you mean to me!!!
If only I had known that I was wrong!!! I never uttered a word but the pre-aural vibrations of the very words I wished to say, reverberated in the labyrinths of your inner ear and I was hoping that you had heard them. If only I had known that I was wrong!!!
My heart aches for your presence. My eyes languish in pain to see you and my ears yearn for your gratifying voice again. The melody of your giggle resounds within me and I continue to remain lost in a world where only you and I exist.
If only you knew that you are the center of my universe, the music of my soul, the song of my life and the rhythm of my heart, to which it beats and I survive.
I do not know about tomorrow and I guarantee nothing but all I know is that I do not want today to end , for today I am in your arms and you in mine and the world is glittering in its beauty and I thank the Gods for bringing you to me.
If time stops now, I would be the happiest soul on the planet as I am with you now and everything I ever longed and dreamt for, in my life, is there before my eyes, in you.
Love seemed a distant reality until you came along and gave a meaning to my barren and desolate existence and I realized for once the true purpose of my life.
If only I could have expressed what I felt for you, then, would I have escaped myself from the fate of this doom and the seasons of spring, laden with the most colorful and fragrant of flowers, would have continued to exist in my life.
I never dared to tell you how I used to hear your name in the fluttering of the butterflies, in the drops of rainfall that caress the earth, in the voice of the nightingales and in the blossoming of the daffodils, and how I saw your face in every crowd.
I never dared to tell you how you made me feel, how every dawn, which broke with the hope of being with you, made my heart rejoice and how every night, after I kissed you goodbye, I fought, with despair, to accelerate the time.
If only...
Of all the God's creations, I admire him the most for that sparkling smile He put on you ,the very one which always play on the corner of your ruddy lips , the very one which makes my humble heart leap for joy and make me realize how fortunate I am to have you by my side.If only I could taste the honey dripping from those lips and relish those melting sips of joy again would I be able to eradicate the loneliness that lingers around my battered soul.
If only you knew how you ignited my vision!!! Your blue eyes,resplendent like the most exotic of sapphires, like the calmest of oceans, radiated so much tenderness that I would drown in them every time I even glanced at them. Your beautiful black hair, cascaded down your shoulders like the water emanating from the most elegant of falls and I still crave for a whiff of the redolence it yields.
Every breath I take and every drop of water I drink and every bit of food I consume fail to reduce even an iota of the suffocation, thirst and hunger that seems to grow,in me, when you are away from me. I stand bewildered at the thought of not being able to see you again and my humble heart aches and now I truly understand what it means to miss you. I always used to think that you take my breath away , but now I know that I was wrong but in reality you are what makes me breathe and the desire to meet you again is what I long for and what keeps me going in this routine and monotonous life which is eating through me like rust, in your absence.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Introspection of the self
All I wish to put to words are the gibberish thoughts that plunder my mind day and night. The unutterable questions and answers that sort of sweep away my idle time formulates the basis for this blog. In other words, this is an introspection into the confused soul of a lunatic, myself.
Unlike a journal entry I write without any chronological reference or accuracy.
Let this be a new beginning and hence I will try to start from the very beginning. The very basic ideals which we learn as a child.
The glory days of childhood pass by you before you even realize it and leave you yearning for it in your adolescence. I am a person who very strongly believe that a person's character is defined based on his upbringing. A man becomes the man he is out of his experiences.As a child, you wander about free of responsibilities and everything that accompanies it. You close your eyes or turn your face to your difficulties and the new day arises gleaming with hope and optimism. The entire world is your playground and your little mischief's are bubbles of joy for the people around you. A spark remains within you to reach great heights, ambitions soar, and smiles erupt on your face without any effort and you look as innocent as can be.
Today, a state of contentment is something I yearn for. The mischief in me has disappeared and I have become oblivious to the little joys. I have become a mechanical being, sucked into the monotonous rhythm of life. I put myself under the microscope to find that element of smouldering fire which , I believe, has been put off or gone to hibernate.
The only regret that I have ever had in my life is that I didn't pay heed to the advice from my English teachers to pursue reading. I could not see through their words about the world books could offer me, until now. I fell a victim to the procrastination and made myself believe that I will always have time to read books at a later period of time. I was laboring under a delusion that time is a luxury which I will always have on my side. Then,reality struck me hard and I realized that time is not a luxury which I had in my possession but rather something I craved for and procrastinating things for the future was tantamount to not doing it at all.
In my earlier days(not that I am 50 or so now), I dreamt about love, about relationships, only when I was alone and when my mind was idle. But today, loneliness has become a part of me and these dreams, have become beacons of hope, like a face, I search for, in a crowd. In my every action, every moment I search for the deeper meanings of life. My mind struggles in battle to comprehend the meanings of the contradicting thoughts that consume my time. I feel like a child lost in a jungle and I still feel like I am going in circles and getting deeper and deeper into the core of the jungle instead of getting out. An unquenchable thirst to discover my purpose in life, glares at me on my face.
I had read somewhere that men crave for love because its the only true cure for loneliness and shame. I do not have a shameful past.So I attribute my craving to fall in love to my loneliness. Why am I lonely, I ask myself. Maybe I mistake boredom for loneliness. I do not know. I have a lot of good friends, a good job, the best parents in the world any one could ask for, and respect from a lot of my schoolmates and college mates. I was blessed with such an opulence and yet my selfish heart, craves for more. More of what, I do not know.
My friends sometimes advise me that what I seek is the touch of a feminine soul in my life. I don't know if that is the solution I am looking for but I feel myself to be incomplete and a void is taking shape within myself and the only cure, I believe, lies somewhere inside myself. I guess I will have to be persistent in my quest, to search for that inner meaning. I will keep striving to attain that wisdom and I just pray that the loneliness and the boredom does not break me and leave me devastated on my path. I hope that hope will live on and take me through the voyage and I will be able to comprehend the ominous signs and presages thrown my way.
Unlike a journal entry I write without any chronological reference or accuracy.
Let this be a new beginning and hence I will try to start from the very beginning. The very basic ideals which we learn as a child.
The glory days of childhood pass by you before you even realize it and leave you yearning for it in your adolescence. I am a person who very strongly believe that a person's character is defined based on his upbringing. A man becomes the man he is out of his experiences.As a child, you wander about free of responsibilities and everything that accompanies it. You close your eyes or turn your face to your difficulties and the new day arises gleaming with hope and optimism. The entire world is your playground and your little mischief's are bubbles of joy for the people around you. A spark remains within you to reach great heights, ambitions soar, and smiles erupt on your face without any effort and you look as innocent as can be.
Today, a state of contentment is something I yearn for. The mischief in me has disappeared and I have become oblivious to the little joys. I have become a mechanical being, sucked into the monotonous rhythm of life. I put myself under the microscope to find that element of smouldering fire which , I believe, has been put off or gone to hibernate.
The only regret that I have ever had in my life is that I didn't pay heed to the advice from my English teachers to pursue reading. I could not see through their words about the world books could offer me, until now. I fell a victim to the procrastination and made myself believe that I will always have time to read books at a later period of time. I was laboring under a delusion that time is a luxury which I will always have on my side. Then,reality struck me hard and I realized that time is not a luxury which I had in my possession but rather something I craved for and procrastinating things for the future was tantamount to not doing it at all.
In my earlier days(not that I am 50 or so now), I dreamt about love, about relationships, only when I was alone and when my mind was idle. But today, loneliness has become a part of me and these dreams, have become beacons of hope, like a face, I search for, in a crowd. In my every action, every moment I search for the deeper meanings of life. My mind struggles in battle to comprehend the meanings of the contradicting thoughts that consume my time. I feel like a child lost in a jungle and I still feel like I am going in circles and getting deeper and deeper into the core of the jungle instead of getting out. An unquenchable thirst to discover my purpose in life, glares at me on my face.
I had read somewhere that men crave for love because its the only true cure for loneliness and shame. I do not have a shameful past.So I attribute my craving to fall in love to my loneliness. Why am I lonely, I ask myself. Maybe I mistake boredom for loneliness. I do not know. I have a lot of good friends, a good job, the best parents in the world any one could ask for, and respect from a lot of my schoolmates and college mates. I was blessed with such an opulence and yet my selfish heart, craves for more. More of what, I do not know.
My friends sometimes advise me that what I seek is the touch of a feminine soul in my life. I don't know if that is the solution I am looking for but I feel myself to be incomplete and a void is taking shape within myself and the only cure, I believe, lies somewhere inside myself. I guess I will have to be persistent in my quest, to search for that inner meaning. I will keep striving to attain that wisdom and I just pray that the loneliness and the boredom does not break me and leave me devastated on my path. I hope that hope will live on and take me through the voyage and I will be able to comprehend the ominous signs and presages thrown my way.
Tears!!!
As I listen to the song, my heart becomes heavy and I feel myself to be at the verge of crying, but unfortunately the tears don't manifest and the heaviness remains in my heart. I regret myself for not being able to express my emotions through my tears.
How I wish I could vent my emotions into tears and let go of them, how I wish I could open the shutters of that dam which exists within me, how I wish I could cry and let it all out and cleanse my soul.
I just wish that I don't come across a situation in my life , when people desert me for being impervious to emotions, for being heartless as I cannot cry and produce tears. If only,I could open myself and show my heart which is drowning in my tears, would they begin to fathom the depths of my emotions. If only,they knew that my heart functions as my lachrymal glands and those droplets are effloresced and crystallized within myself.
How I wish I could vent my emotions into tears and let go of them, how I wish I could open the shutters of that dam which exists within me, how I wish I could cry and let it all out and cleanse my soul.
I just wish that I don't come across a situation in my life , when people desert me for being impervious to emotions, for being heartless as I cannot cry and produce tears. If only,I could open myself and show my heart which is drowning in my tears, would they begin to fathom the depths of my emotions. If only,they knew that my heart functions as my lachrymal glands and those droplets are effloresced and crystallized within myself.
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